july 4 texts on eudio, cw offensive language, spoilers, violence, drugs, etc.

[pillz]

Freddie Bax
Kavinsky’s version: hey freddie. im sorry i was an ass taht time i nearly killed us in a car crash and i said some shit and i also almost flattened u wit a dragon. wish i could say it wuz just ass envy (although mine is bigger now im fat) bur it isnt. I know ure fucked in the head some way that u try 2 medicate wit the occasional ragefuck beatin up some dudes butthole & i know u probably dont feel free which is why u dont like anybody holdin on too tight. but u looked whole and free the way i wish i was. congratulations on lying. u got me. u got u. but it wasnt right 4 me to try 2 get u back. good luck stayin totally fucked

Joe’s version: hey freddie. im sorry I endangered your life on multiple occasions. I wish I could say it was jealousy, but it isn’t. I know ure fucked in the head some way that u try 2 medicate wit the occasional hate-fuck & i know u probably dont feel free which is why u don’t like anybody holdin on too tight. but u look whole and free the way I want to be. congratulations. u got me. u got u. but it was wrong of me to seek revenge. good luck.

Bliss Cavendar
Kavinsky’s version: dear bliss im sorry i talk shit & then try 2 kiss u. i know it should b obviousl that the irght thing 2 do is say nice shit & then go for it but i forget pretty easy ok. i do this thing where i want people 2 want me & hate themselves for it so its their fault. it got prety annoying u werent fucked up enough to go for it. most the time i think texas is full of redneck kkk dudes & fat chicks but ur only problem is u 2 short and have freckles and ure so nice i think im gonna think ure fuckin boring someday. but i dont mind the frecks & im not bored now.

Joe’s version: dear bliss. im sorry i talk shit & then try 2 kiss you. i know it should b obvious that the right thing 2 do is to be nice and genuine, & then maybe go for it but i forget pretty easy ok. I do this thing where i want people 2 want me & hate themselves for it so its their fault when i make them angry, and not mine. it got pretty annoying that you weren’t foolish enough to fall for it. most of the time i think texas is full of racist stereotypes & overweight women but ur only problem is u 2 short and have freckles and ure so nice i think im gonna think ure fuckin boring someday. but i dont mind the frecks & im not bored now, so maybe not.

Caroline Forbes
Kavinsky’s version: dear caroline im sorry u a bloodsucking asshoel murderer wit bad self-esteem & all the human parts of u onl ybring you pain. i guess none of that my fault but im also sorry abo the time i almost made a magic dragon eat u. im also sorry taht i am not very nice to talk to abo your bloodsucking asshole murder problems or how daffy dick iii doesnt want 2 date u because his fuckwad tendencies r different to urs. for example his does not have an off switch. my advice would b 2 go back to lying abt being human but you probably shouldnt listen to me. i think u can redeem urself instead of crying abo it which is 4 losers.

Joe’s version: dear caroline, i’m sorry that being a vampire brings you so much pain. i guess that’s not my fault, but i’m still sorry, especially about the time i almost made a magic dragon eat u. i’m also sorry that i am not the best person to talk to about your feelings about being a vampire or how gansey isn’t interested in pursuing things further because his fuckwad tendencies r different 2 urs. for example his does not have an off switch. my advice would b 2 go back to lying abt being human but you probably shouldnt listen to me, as my track record in most things isn’t great. i think maybe you should try to work on being proud of yourself instead of being sad about it.

Adam Parrish
Kavinsky’s version: jello adam. tho u have already made ultimatums and pasive aggressive comments abt it i guess i never formally apolgoized 4 using u 2 scare ronan, almost killin ur old man bf, almost toasting gansey, etc. so i am formaly apologizing now. im als o sorry for trying tohave sex wit u. its an instinct fight or fuck. u probably dont deserve to be mindfucked or other fucked by me & i know that now so dint think this is em trying to get back in wit u. u can brn that note for my mom. ill figure somethin else out. ps u.d.o. has made u too soft for murder so leave ur dad alone & confine daddy isssues to 1/8 boyfriends

Joe’s version: PROBS NOT TOUCHING but maybe

Ronan Lynch
Kavinsky’s version: dear ronan im sorry 4 kidnaping ur brother & threatening to kill hm and also killing myself in front of u cuz i remember u screamin like a lil trailer park catfight bitch wit like 20 tampons rammed up there and the fuse burnin on all of them which wuz crazy considern u should have wanted me dead. you should still want me dead. dk why you dont. probably ovaries. neway u dont remember this but i told the other u that i shouldve let the bird monster kill you back in the day. so im sorry 4 that too. i hope ur ovaries d o not develop cysts. my mom has endometrosis & it sucks. but u should probably get i tchecked out cuz it could explain why u in such a cunt mood all the time

Joe’s version: dear ronan im sorry 4 kidnapping ur brother & threatening to kill hm and also killing myself in front of u. i remember hearing you scream at me in a way i wouldn’t have expected from you considern u should have wanted me dead. neway u dont remember this but i told the other u that i shouldve let the bird monster kill you back in the day. so im sorry for that too.

Richard Gansey III
Kavinsky’s version: dear gansey im sorry i killed u and im mean 2 u about ure name all the time. i wuz just jealous of u & ur dog penis boyfriend ronan. but also i dont like ure happiness. or ure weird accent which makes u sound like a 54-yo man wit early onset dementia. i dont know why u alk so slow. its really annoying 2 listen to which is why i try not to di ti. but alanis likes it probably bcuz shes half ronans. ure shoes are disgusting and u need to stop wit that man. learn socks. & stop being a bitch ass to caroline. im not kiddin around. in her universe vamps can stop bein motherfuckers by using some quik magic which is more than i can say 4 dream thieves. i appreciate ur help that time i puked in ure car

Joe’s version: dear gansey im sorry i killed u and im mean 2 u about ure name all the time. i wuz just jealous of u & ronan. but also i dont like ure happiness. or ure accent. i dont know why u talk so slow. its really annoying to listen 2 listen to which i why i try not to do it. but alanis likes it probably bcuz shes half ronans. Please don’t hurt Caroline. im not kidding around. in her universe vamps can stop bein motherfuckers by using some quik magic which is more than i can say 4 dream thieves. i appreciate ur help that time i puked in ure car.

Blue Sargent
Kavinsky’s version: dear blue to be honest colored women all look kkind of the same to me but i usually recognize you more than i rpetend to. i know u were a wiatress at the pizza place (ninos) & that u are fucking adam and gansey in tandem. congratulations. i hipe their dicks r normal or at least interestin. anyways when i told other u i dont mind poro people i meant it. i would not mind bein friends. i will never try 2 light u/ur friends/ur friends small brothers on fire again unless its just lil pieces of ur hair cuz u want to know what it looks like (iz kind of interesting but smells wrse than shit). ps r u still keepin the razor penis fish? im also sorry 4 their names.

Joe’s version: dear blue. Sometimes I pretend not to recognize or acknowledge much of your existence, but that’s just it - pretending. i know u were a wiatress at the pizza place (ninos), and that you’re close to adam and gansey. Anyways when i told u i wouldn’t mind being friends with you, i meant it. i will never try 2 light u/ur friends/ur friends small brothers on fire again. ps r u stil keepin the fish? im also sorry 4 their names.

Dennis Severs
Kavinsky’s version: daer dennis ure really fuckin annoying. taht cross eyed inbred british village 12-yo naivete bullshit is so fuckin fake lol. i seen u throw a punch. i know u done shit. but i guess my biggest beef wit u is this fake ass persona gets u laid wit everybody i want 2 get laid wit, & thats just weak. so im sorry. my bad. im also sorry i almost lit on fire ure favorite person to fuck. pls try to talk normal. also stop bein so fucking insecure. u do not need sad bambi eyes 2 get laid. u look ok & your probably fun when ure having fun. if u have other tragic hangups talk to someone abo them. it will make u better. i know this cuz ive done it. bonus: the sex will ba mazing

Joe’s version: ALSO PROBS NOT TOUCHING but also maybe

Ned the Piemaker
Kavinsky’s version: dear ned ims rory i almost burned ur business 2 the ground & also got u mixed up in the gay drama wit ure old man twin. if it makes ufeel better u r the better looking of the two. anyway im taking ure advice obviously. not just the advice when u were a shitty little bitch heel 2 me on the network but also when we were makin pies. love & friendshpi and movin past some shit. neway i wont use u against other people anymore except mayb if i find another dude wit u guys face wholl actually fuck me & then itll just b for talkin dirty. promise. good luck

Joe’s version: dear ned im sorry i almost burned ur business 2 the ground & also used you to get to joe. If it makes ufeel better i think u r the better looking of the two. anyway im taking ure advice obviously. not just the advice when we talked on the network but also when we were makin’ pies. love & friendship and movin past some shit. neway i wont use u against other people anymore. good luck.

Jack Frost
Kavinsky’s version: dear jack im sorry ym dragon almost killed you and yo dragon wit my dragon. you seem like a really cool guy. get it? cool? lol. im also sorry i ruined tgiving but lets b real u seem to be up in some white people hipster pagan shit so im thinkin u more on the side of the natives. tgiving is fuckin racist bullshit anyway. i owe u my life. & the lfie of a frenchwoman im fucking & also probably ronans. i dont know how 2 repay u. if u think of somethin let me know. but i awnt 2 b clear im not cleanin up dragon shit. she can take a dump in alanis lake if u want thats ok

Joe’s version: dear jack im sorry ym dragon almost killed you and yo dragon wit my dragon. you seem like a really cool guy. get it? cool? Lol. im also sorry i ruined thanksgiving but lets b real u seem to be up in some pagan shit so im thinkin u more on the side of the natives. Thanksgiving is fuckin racist bullshit anyway. i owe u my life. & the life of a frenchwoman im sleeping with & also probably ronans. i dont know how 2 repay u. if u think of somethin let me know. but i want 2 be clear im not cleaning up dragon shit.

Wylan Van Eck
Kavinsky’s version: dear wylan sorry im a racist & such a cunt all the time. Its probably bcuz caleb likes u more which is kind of dumb i no he probably likes everybody more. im nt very likable. ure ok 4 a guy who goes so heavy on this soft puppy ivirginal bullshit. ure kind of an asshoel for a soft puppy virgin bser. i enjoy settin fires wit u when caleb isnt around. its probably 2 late but u should probably eat vitamins so u can be taller. if u want me to go away more i dont mind (i can live with it). i dont want 2 talk about any of this shit later. just pull on ur flat asian nose twice and ill take a hint & go away.

Joe’s version: dear wylan sorry im a racist & such a cunt all the time. Its probably bcuz caleb likes u more which is kind of dumb i no he probably likes everybody more. im nt very likable. ure ok 4 a guy who goes so heavy on this soft puppy ivirginal bullshit. ure kind of an asshoel for a soft puppy virgin bser. i enjoy settin fires wit u when caleb isnt around. its probably 2 late but u should probably eat vitamins so u can be taller. if u want me to go away more i dont mind (i can live with it). i dont want 2 talk about any of this shit later. just pull on ur nose twice and ill take a hint & go away.

Clark Kent
Kavinsky’s version: dear superman im sorry u had 2 save people from burning buildings in amrch & try to shoot u wit guns. & tried to get u to hate me. i know u probably dont care bcuz its nothins a big deal here & if anything was going to be a big deal it wouldnt be some 19 yo shitbrick who doesnt have powers anymore. im also sorry i didnt thank u 4 the cheesecake\ but lets b honest that was a little on the nose or next time make it beef

Joe’s version: Dear Superman, I’m sorry you had to rescue people from burning buildings in March, and that I tried to shoot you with guns, and also that I tried to get you to hate me. I know you probably don’t care because nothing’s a big deal here, and if anything was going to be a big deal, it wouldn't be some 19 year-old shitbrick who doesn’t have his powers anymore. I’m also sorry I didn’t thank you for the cheesecake, but let’s be honest - that one was a little on the nose.

( YOU HAVE TO USE PROPER GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION WHEN TALKING TO SUPERMAN OKAY)

Dawn Summers
Kavinsky’s version: dear dawn im sorry i tried 2 get u to do drgs & was rude & all mad. to b honest i was freaking the fuck out abo my monster. ure stories abo fading halfway out of existence creeped p my asshole and punched me in the dong so hard i wanted 2 throw up. u know how it is. ps i checked in wit ur babysittin clients from the volunteer thing and there r at least four 9 yo boys who r really into you. good job.

Joe’s version: dear dawn im sorry i tried 2 get u to do drugs and that I was rude and mad about it. to b honest i was freaking the fuck out about my monster. ure stories about fading halfway out of existence got under my skin and creeped me out to the point that i wanted 2 throw up. u know how it is.

Eponine Thenardier
Kavinsky’s version: dear nina. i am sorry im a such a raging donkeyfuck piece of shit psycho. the truth is u super fucked up. idk if u need a nunnery or feminism. both mayb wit a side of benzos & psychoanalyss fcuz im pretty sure on some level u want ure dad 2 fuck u wit a gigantic iron spork while wearin marie atnoinettes wig or some shit. anyway what i mean is there probably more 2 life than fucking, pills & booze. or gettin married to a lawyer and squezin stunted french watermelons out of ur already gaping vaginas. i know that sounds like bullshit comin from me but im not fuckin around & im not fucking wit u. uyou gotta find something u want to learn & think about or u might as well be fucking dead. and i dont want to want you to die. ps perfume & deodorant r not the same thing. pps im sorry i never got this 2 u in time too

Joe’s version: dear nina. i am sorry im such a raging donkeyfuck piece of shit. the truth is, i think you might need some help. There’s probably more 2 life than sex, drugs & booze. or gettin married and having children. i know that sounds like bullshit comin from me but im not fuckin around & im not fuckin wit u. you gotta find something u want to learn & think about or u might as well be fucking dead. and i dont want to want you to die. ps perfume is something you put on on top of your deodorant. They aren’t interchangeable.

Caleb Holt
Kavinsky’s version: dear caleb. im sorry i dont know how 2 give u what u want.

Joe’s version: UNTOUCHED.

Violet Harmon
Kavinsky’s version: dear violet sorry abt pretending 2 set u on fire for 2secs and bein shitty abo ur attic monster and eating disorder or coke habit or whatever the fuck is wrong wit u. u should think abt using some volumizin shit on ur hair cuz that shit real flat. take it from a gay man. dont b friends wit caleb. guy has some weird gthrill issues & his dogs will get urs pregnant

Joe’s version: dear violet sorry abt pretending 2 set u on fire for 2secs and bein shitty about ur attic monster and whatever else is troubling you. Maybe also keep an eye on your dog around Caleb’s.

Kylo Ren
Kavinsky’s version: dear mr ren i am teh anon who was rude 2 u on the network the other month. i think u called ym doc naive 4 believin in redemption or whatever th fuck i was talkin about. u got issues man. i dunno about me but its prety obvious that ure hung up on some shit u did and/or hole u couldnt get ur cock in and/or mom & dad. u seem like a miserable pissed off fuck. maybe try a different kind of fuck. in this world anythin can change. even a micropenis

Joe’s version: dear mr ren i am the anonymous person who was rude 2 u on the network the other month. i think you called my doctor naive 4 believin in redemption or whatever it was I was talking about. i dunno about me but I think you might have some hangups that you should consider getting over, because you seem miserable and angry more often than not. Maybe some company could help. Maybe not mine. But in general.

Derek Morgan
Kavinsky’s version: dear derek sorry i almost set u on fire & am a cunt when u try 2 help me b better. u should try 2 be gay. the big black cop thing works for a lot of guys & this inara woman sounds like shes asking 4 a lot more than a big dick and handcuffs and bein told what to do in an east coast accent. but if u decide to stick wit that mayb try to have less emotional confessions and big gestures. dont make it last real long either. girls dont like that.

Joe’s version: dear derek sorry i almost set u on fire & am a cunt when u try 2 help me b better. the big black cop thing works for a lot of people but this inara woman sounds like shes asking 4 a lot more than a big dick and handcuffs and bein told what to do in an east coast accent. but if u decide to stick wit that mayb try to have less emotional confessions and big gestures. dont make it last real long either. girls dont like that.

Tony Stark
Kavinsky’s version: dear mr spark i aologize if i tried 2 fuck u in a weird way & for lying abo having reverse pedofilia or a fetish 4 old men or whatever the fuck ki said. i dont think i have a fetish. i just like fuckin older dudes & then gettin way into weird fucked up bitchy catfightin shit wit them where they almost caught osn fire. anyway good work wit the cuddlr haxx. 4 ur next trick you should make a game app where ure like a car and you have to dodge potholes & homeless ppls shopping carts. or compatibility quiz. i can help oyu make questions. i am godo at talking 2 people. 4 example i am talking 2 a mr. spock on ur behalf. i think hes in ur age range & he driveby uzid my cuddlr 2

Joe’s version: dear mr spark I’m sorry for coming onto you in a weird way & for lying about having a fetish 4 old men or whatever the fuck ki said. i dont think i have a festish. I just like fuckin older dudes & then gettin way into weird fucked up bitchy catfightin shit with them where they almost caught osn fire. anyway good work wit the cuddlr haxx. 4 ur next trick you should make a game app where ure like a car and you have to dodge potholes & homeless ppls shopping carts. or compatibility quiz. i can help oyu make questions. i am godo at talking 2 people. 4 example i am talking 2 a mr. spock on ur behalf. i think hes in ur age range & he driveby uzid my cuddlr 2

Spock
Kavinsky’s version: dear eyebrows osrry i keep talkin abo your eyebfrwos. i know im not the only one but i do not want 2 be part of the problem. also if u dont want 2 date me thats fine. i dont think we have a lot in common apart from sarcasm. however u may b interested in dating a mr. tony stark. hes also a middle aged troll wit dark hari & nerdy predisps. if hes short u can use a stepladder. u guys cna fight abo how u all about >accuracy and he all >imma swipe left on everybody and dirty talk in 1s and 0s

Joe’s version: Dear Mr. Spock. Sorry I keep talking about your eyebrows. I know I’m probably not the only one, but I don’t want to be a part of the problem. Also, if you’re not interested in dating me, that’s fine. I don’t think we have a lot in common apart for sarcasm (though it’s possible I could be mistaking your logical way of thinking for sarcasm). However, if you are interested in dating someone, may I suggest Mr. Tony Stark? He’s close to your age, with dark hair and seems to be on the same intellectual level as you are. If he’s too short, you can use a stepladder. You can fight about how you’re all about >accuracy and he’s all about >unconventional ways of flirting - via binary code, for instance.

( Superman Rules apply to Spock too come on man. )

Loki
Kavinsky’s version: dear loki this is santa claus. im sorry if i wuz rude in my teen drama post last year & nosy abo ur space invading norse bluetooth chaos elvis lifestyle. i get very emotional when pepl talk abo wantin ganseys 3 penises cuz i have mutant junk too but nobody but teh elves want it :( im so tired of elf meat man. anyway i hope bein a super relaxed precolonial psuedo european cool jazz god is workin out well 4 u. i hppe it rubs off on pooper gansey the turd. the relaxation i mean not the sperm.

Joe’s version: not touching because he doesn’t understand what any of this is supposed to mean kavinsky you are way too drunk to be writing texts rn

Vanyel Greyjoy / The Dragonborn
Kavinsky’s version: dear the formerly uninitiated in movies & shit. i am sorry i brought up the human centipede. nobody deserves that. ps what did u think of beverlu hills chihuaha

Joe’s version: also not touching because this seems relatively harmless and inoffensive.

Daryl Dixon
Kavinsky’s version: hello mr daryl i am sorry taht i made fun of ur mom & dad 4 being rother and sister and ur teeth and ur bo and im alsor ry that i scared away ure deer. i kno it was not ur lover. im also sorry i threatened u wit a gun altho ure still a big sloppy cunt f4 shootin my car wit ure bow and arrow. but it got me thinkin we should probably fuck since that like a metaphor and that gassy wheez e is basically what i sound like when im cumming. it a sign from god. take that, meth country ibble belt lol. ps can u teach me to be an assassin

Joe’s version: hello mr daryl i am sorry taht i made rude comments about your mom & dad being related and ur teeth and your hygeine and im also sorry that i scared away ure deer. i know it was not ur lover, im also sorry i threatened u with a gun, although I still don’t appreciate you shootin my car wit ure bow and arrow. but it got me thinkin, maybe we could fool around sometimes since that seems kind of like a metaphor to me. ps can you teach me how to safely use a bow and arrow?

Marie
Kavinsky’s version: dear marie im sorr i call u marie but i hope u dont mind cuz its bette er than noah

Joe’s version: untouched