[ As Vex sat there and listened to this, all he could think of was 'let's start over then, it's what I've been saying this whole time!' That impulsive urge not to be lonely continued to gnaw at his gut, despite the fact that he'd been alone the majority of his life- Mark had left a big gaping hole in his chest he was desperate to fill. But somehow, through some small miracle, he didn't try to lure Kavinsky back into his arms. Instead, he took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. ]
Yeah. Look, you don't have to say sorry to me. We gave it a go, it didn't work the way we wanted it to. Let's not tear each other up about it anymore, alright? And honestly... I don't think about the people I've killed either.
[ It was a half-lie. There were many deaths he didn't remember, but there were also quite a few that haunted him. He wasn't going to get into that. ]
We're both shitheads, it's why we're mates. And I, yeah, I want to be better too. At least, I thought I did, I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure... Being 'good' isn't really everything I hoped for.
[somewhere in the toxic pit of his soul, kavinsky recognizes that this is a big fucking deal. it's a big fucking deal that vex is saying this, instead of trying to pull him back in, make believe like it would've been right by him, or them. like they could fuck and date and never mind the combusting mess of kavinsky's soul, and wait, and wait, and wait indefinitely for vex to decide if he felt the same. that that would be good enough, for more than the months that had already hurt him.
that kavinsky could handle it. and what are the chances, really? as violent as his temper is, as injured as he's been by all the other relationships that he never managed to claim as such. at least this time, he's broken up with his boyfriend. at least this time, he can say he's in love.
at least this time, his lover can look him in the eye and say he isn't. wasn't going to be just yet. at least this time, there aren't lies, punches, kidnapped little brothers. some sad fucking comfort.]
What did you hope for?
[it's by some herculean effort, that he asks a question about vex-- that has nothing to do with himself.]
[ The question caught him off guard because he honestly never expected Vin to ask him something like that. The shock only lasted for a few seconds before he pursed his lips thoughtfully, then shrugged. ]
Happily ever after?
[ It felt like a load of bollocks the moment it left his mouth, but the saddest part of it all was that he had truly hoped for it- even if it was only for a short time. ]
People like me don't get them, but... there was a moment there, with him, that I thought I might.
[it's like swallowing sawblades. bitter and painful in a way that would've made kavinsky spit, once. but now he just drinks the drink that i think somewhere vex made for him, listens to his heart pounding in his own head. the only people he knows who don't want that are the ones who just want to die.]
Would you be friends with him? If he showed the fuck up and that's what he wanted.
[ no, it was just a bottle of liquor which is close enough because it was the best Vex could do given the circumstances. He hadn't mixed a proper drink since Pandemonium. That was neither here nor there, as Kavinsky threw him a question that he didn't like. ]
Hypotheticals are shit, luv. He isn't showing up. But if you're asking me if I'd try to be "just friends" with someone I wanted something more from, I suppose I'm already doing that.
[the question is neatly sidestepped. kavinsky stares blankly into the space where it had stood. that's the answer, isn't it? better dead than friends. too difficult to conceptualize a universe where things were different. there are other versions to try-- different versions of mark, earlier timelines, even, but he doesn't. maybe at one point, they were the kinds of friends who could talk about things, but that clearly isn't in the cards now.]
Sure, [he says.] I'll see you around, Vex. Can I take this? [he taps the bottle.]
[ Was Vinny really asking if he could take a random bottle of booze from him? Vex's stare was incredulous. ]
Uh, no, it's my most precious bottle? Yeah, of course you can take it. Take the lot.
[ He made a sweeping gesture at his cluttered living space, bottle after bottle in various places- most of them empty, but still. He hated that Vin was leaving so he was getting a bit snippy about it. ]
[the vampire baby's eyes narrow slightly. it'd be easy to pitch a fit.
but it wouldn't actually. he's tired. in his brain and his heart and every other thing in between. it's been the story of his life since eudio, to have learned something about friendship in exchange for failing to launch the romance he used to obsess over.
he probably should give it a break, really. he will. but for now, he just snatches the bottles off the bar. as confessions of love go, it probably could've gone worse-- and he'll appreciate that later, maybe after all this liquor is inside his person.]
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no subject
Yeah. Look, you don't have to say sorry to me. We gave it a go, it didn't work the way we wanted it to. Let's not tear each other up about it anymore, alright? And honestly... I don't think about the people I've killed either.
[ It was a half-lie. There were many deaths he didn't remember, but there were also quite a few that haunted him. He wasn't going to get into that. ]
We're both shitheads, it's why we're mates. And I, yeah, I want to be better too. At least, I thought I did, I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure... Being 'good' isn't really everything I hoped for.
no subject
that kavinsky could handle it. and what are the chances, really? as violent as his temper is, as injured as he's been by all the other relationships that he never managed to claim as such. at least this time, he's broken up with his boyfriend. at least this time, he can say he's in love.
at least this time, his lover can look him in the eye and say he isn't. wasn't going to be just yet. at least this time, there aren't lies, punches, kidnapped little brothers. some sad fucking comfort.]
What did you hope for?
[it's by some herculean effort, that he asks a question about vex-- that has nothing to do with himself.]
no subject
Happily ever after?
[ It felt like a load of bollocks the moment it left his mouth, but the saddest part of it all was that he had truly hoped for it- even if it was only for a short time. ]
People like me don't get them, but... there was a moment there, with him, that I thought I might.
no subject
Would you be friends with him? If he showed the fuck up and that's what he wanted.
[he keeps his face still. he watches vex's face.]
no subject
Hypotheticals are shit, luv. He isn't showing up. But if you're asking me if I'd try to be "just friends" with someone I wanted something more from, I suppose I'm already doing that.
no subject
Sure, [he says.] I'll see you around, Vex. Can I take this? [he taps the bottle.]
no subject
Uh, no, it's my most precious bottle? Yeah, of course you can take it. Take the lot.
[ He made a sweeping gesture at his cluttered living space, bottle after bottle in various places- most of them empty, but still. He hated that Vin was leaving so he was getting a bit snippy about it. ]
no subject
but it wouldn't actually. he's tired. in his brain and his heart and every other thing in between. it's been the story of his life since eudio, to have learned something about friendship in exchange for failing to launch the romance he used to obsess over.
he probably should give it a break, really. he will. but for now, he just snatches the bottles off the bar. as confessions of love go, it probably could've gone worse-- and he'll appreciate that later, maybe after all this liquor is inside his person.]
Later, Vex.