ic contact for maskormenace

[pillz]

Text/audio/video OK.

Up to R for language, individual threads/comments to be marked with warnings accordingly in the subject header if you plase.

Comments

2/2

[pillz]

[and after a moment, even though he doesn't have to, he amends:]

i remember.
still wont go for a nightly power null huh

[strikesthrough]

I'm glad to hear it. Not everyone has been so fortunate, as I understand.

Do you think my feelings on power nulling would have changed?

[pillz]

nah
mostly jus allowing for the possibility u were was never the same
small as it were

[strikesthrough]

Possibility is a big word, one that I do consider often and in fluctuation.

Maybe the other me would entertain the possibility more immediately and clamor for what you could offer, but he lacked scope and experience. Besides, he's mostly dead anyway.

[pillz]

the fuck is that, a insult?
how much more alive r you

[strikesthrough]

Hardly. It means if you remember, then you know me, and you'll know why I'll take the pain over the silence every time. Would you ever take the silence?

And I'm as alive as I ever am. As alive as I ever have been.

[pillz]

yeah
actually.
no way for u to remember this, but i would

[joey wouldn't have. that is an unequivocal fact. so kavinsky will just sit here and be entirely convinced that he doesn't care whether or not victor thinks less of him as a result.]

[strikesthrough]

Interesting.

I think it's more about exposure than it is about memory. A version of you and I knew each other very well. Another version of you and I did not. The real question is what parts make up this patchwork version of you now, Joseph.

But technically, if you could null me to sleep, could you not do the same for yourself?

[pillz]

[mmm

from literally anyone else, kavinsky would reject this as a cat rejects water. but there's something about the place that victor holds in his mind.]

my powers aint the problem, actually
found a different way 2 null whats wrong wit me. a couple different ways.
ill be honest with you
im about as far from joey as u can get. i think im more different from him than you are from the other vick

[strikesthrough]

You think I need you to tell me you're different? We can compare notes, if you'd like.

And is what's wrong something you've assessed for yourself, or what you've internalized from others?

[pillz]

i got notes. dont know if we gotta compare em. been trying to move on, mostly
dont think we ever gonna be able to go back there so whats the fuckin point, you know what im saying?

> wrong is just pain, as you was saying
i dont wake up screamin in the morning
or die every couple months. i had some different things

[strikesthrough]

That may well be true, we may never go back there. But it may follow us here in spirit. Moving on, therefore, isn't an option for me.

And we did talk about this, or you and my former self did. I believe he left you with an open offer. But you've figured something out yourself, did you?

[pillz]

do you mean when we was textin on the network las year

[strikesthrough]

Yes. Your encounters were brief, but it was some of the very limited information he was good for.

[pillz]

chicken-egg, actually
i told him i didnt feel pain. not a lot of it anyway

[he doesn't know why he accepts so easily, this concept that victor -- the one he's speaking to now -- is neither the one he chatted with in 2019, and nor is he the one who dated joey.

maybe he doesn't. maybe there just doesn't seem to be a point arguing about it. maybe, maybe.]

i did some shit before & after that to cut down
psychiatry, brainwashing i guess
& then i got the goddesses 2 clean up after.
but it didnt affect my powers.
guess i feel you there. powers, i wouldnve given up for anythin

[strikesthrough]

I can relate, but I'm sure my other self could as well. Did he ask you if you *wanted* to feel some pain too?

Well aren't you just a wicked bastardization of a stained glass window now. Or perhaps we both are, in different ways.

Talents like yours should only be pried away from your cold dead hands. And even then, it would never be theirs to take. There's a reason they're your powers and not someone else's.

[pillz]

i think he asked me if i wanted him to fix it if he found a problem
i said no.
couldnt tell if he was low-key judging me or if tahts just how all of you sound, vale
your aesthetic.
like the cheekbones. mayb you just wake up a little bit supercilious
it's okay. some of us is into that.
& youre right about the powers

im the original. hes the shitty glass knockoff. dunno how you feel about you & yours though

[strikesthrough]

It's generally how we both sound, though I doubt it was actually all that low-key.

And I don't feel like either one of us is any more or less authentic than the other, we're just products of our situations. Mine just didn't have the same kind of push I had so he hadn't advanced himself nearly as much as I did. Maybe he would have in time, but why let him retread old ground when we could just skip that over? Plus, from what I understand I gained back a few years physically. But hey, time's a construct, so the internet sardonically saying these days.

But you, as you pointed out, seem to have the opposite experience here.

[pillz]

[why is he talking about this.

he has no idea. but he is: talking about it.]

not opposite
shitlord just missed like 4 years that made me into me back in henrietta, & everythin here.

yo, what kind of push didnt he have
vick in the city wasnt exactly at a loss for ambition, i gotta say

[strikesthrough]

As I said, it's all about circumstance. It tends to forge us into different kinds of weapons. Even the Joseph I knew, as far away from you as he was.

And you're right, another Vale Aesthetic is he and I certainly don't lack ambition, but my other self still had some issues with myopia whereas I'd managed to expand my scope of view.

Do you resent him? Your other self who skipped those four years and this place?

1/2

[pillz]

i dunno. his bf kind of liked his single minded bloodhound laser pointer brain.
what did scope ever do 4 anbody
besides existential fufilment i guess
but who needs that

2/2

[pillz]

[there's a delay. but as inevitable as the tide, or perhaps as unexpected as weather:]

yeah.

[he doesn't actually miss sex that much, thanks to his particular brand of psychiatric brainwashing. but he does sometimes miss having a boyfriend to talk to.]

[strikesthrough]

And why is that? You said you're about as different from one another as possible. What of his do you wish you had? And what of you do you think he lacked?

[pillz]

[a kavinsky leans his cheek on a pillow, flopped down on his bed somewhere.]

when shit happens it doesn't get under his skin like it does wit me
i know it cuz he ain't been through shit as bad as me, but it still fucks me off.

[strikesthrough]

That's only half the answer.