pillz | ic contact for maskormenace

[ his hand comes up to his head, feeling that tingle feel. what he wished for? he's wished for a lot of things. right now he's got the start of an anger headache, the feeling of total information overload, and the impulse to kill a man for something he couldn't really control.

man, he'd normally be jazzed about this kind of driving. the thrill of it. can't be fucking scared of dying when you're immortal.

but instead his eyes shut. ]

Not really.

[kavinsky is ever helpful. with josh's eyes closed, the dream thief's voice comes floating out like a phantom.]

You didn't want to think. For eight hours.

[the jaguar rumbles. there's a clunk and a sliding sound of metal on metal as kavinsky shifts gears. the wind sings by outside.]

I can open a window, if you want take-backs.

[ oh. that sounds really, really nice actually. no fucking chaos in his head, no overthinking what he should have said to scott, no -

he cracks an eye open. ]

Wait. Is this the kind of no thinking where I'm going to make a lot of bad decisions?

[maybe. possibly. under normal circumstances, probably.]

I mellowed it out more than anything you'll find in the street, [kavinsky says. in the shadowy peek of josh's eye, kavinsky looks calm, almost remote. perfectly in control!]

You ever rolled on x?

A few times, yeah.

[ more than a few. he has to think, seriously has to think, because if he's not in control - and he's not. he's not, like, remotely okay and scott being here is the part of his life he'd finally managed to leave dead and fucking buried crawling out of the ground and coming at him with i love yous like he was just a deadbeat dad and not the fu-

stop, stop, stop, jesus fucking christ. he rubs his temples. if he's just going to feel euphoric then that's fine, that's good, that's -- that'll keep the worst of it at bay. ]

I just don't wanna, like, freak out and hunt him down, like, if it's the no impulse control kinda not thinking.

[ which sounds like an exaggeration.

it's not. ]

[hmmm. that's a sensible concern when you wield the power of life and death and are reluctant to use it.

why are you so reluctant to use it, joshy poo.]

I think the bigger risk is the other way, man. You might get all one love up in your brain, and forgive him.

[which, as far as joseph kavinsky is concerned, is its own kind of living nightmare.] This shit gets used for people with straight up PTSD, man. As part of treatment. [he glances sidelong. ahead of them, the lights are brightening; they're approaching denser city.]

Maybe you should gimme your phone for a few hours, Foley.

[ he fishes into his pocket, producing the phone. there's an unanswered message from david that he should reply to. instead he hits the power button and sets it aside, tries to focus on the tingles. ]

I thought I did.

[ maybe not forgive. understood, maybe. then he saw him and talked with him and now he's a ball of rage, rolled right back to the wraith on the island content to torture someone who ruined his life. ]

... Did I tell you about M-Day?

Doesn't sound familiar.

[there's something like fizzy carbination spreading under josh's skin. if it were ordinay x, he'd be well through his high now, as he metabolizes the drug faster than it ought to be for any ordinary man. instead, this pill is taking its sweet time, bubbling merrily through josh's blood.

asmr shivers starting small at the base of his golden skull.]

I think back where I came from we called it 'D-Day.'

We had one of those too. Different thing.

[ it's nice. some of the tension ebbing away, head tipping back against the headrest. ]

On M-Day, some crazy witch made a wish and ninety-nine percent of the mutant population lost their powers.

[that's interesting. in like, a bad way. kavinsky's brow furrows slightly as he looks out the front window. that is interesting by itself, but he has to wonder aloud:]

Does that have something to do with your beef with dude?

[scott. who kavinsky has actually kind of identified on the internet, because the mutants weren't really locking their shit to private. the next street is having a lull in night-time traffic, and kavinsky lets the jaguar roar once as he scoots it abruptly down the block before the light turns red again.

yes, he's obeying traffic signals today. tres considerate.] He get his powers and you didn't?

Nah. I was one of the few people who kept their powers, and the only healer.

[ He opens his mouth to say why he'd brought it up - the bus explosion, touching DJ while he died, his fight with Laurie in the quad about it afterwards. He doesn't know how to talk about it because it was easier as an abstract concept. ]

Scott's basically head-honcho of all mutants. And he was headmaster of my school before that. And, like... when he was just the headmaster, he used to use me as a healing battery. And when I was all used up - they actually used the words used up, they'd leave me where I dropped. Like, literally. I'd wake up on the floor hours later.

[ he scratches his nose. ]

He's also the one who forced me on the kill squad.

[this very much seems related to beef. kavinsky glances at the golden boy again. they're getting closer to the club, and he slows the car down, drawing closer to the little valet stand.

the club is called: merboy. there is a separate entrance for vip guests. the inside glows neon, deep, electric blue. but kavinsky doesn't step out, right away. he holds up a finger at the man working the valet booth.]

What was he gonna do to you if you didn't join the squad?

[if that sounds victim-blamey, it's because joseph kavinsky is an asshole who doesn't care if he does.]

[ a glance to the club. to the valet waiting to take the car. ]

I didn't get an 'or else', I got a guilt trip. My friend said Scott'd probably kill me, though.

[ but he probably wouldn't have. he needed a healer, after all. 'elixir' wasn't expendable in that way.

he doesn't feel like himself. whether that's the drugs or the wealth of feelings rising up he couldn't say. ]

It ruined me.

[kavinsky doesn't answer for a moment. then he doesn't answer for a moment longer than that, winding down the window, turning off the engine. leaning over to pop out josh's seatbelt. he hands the valet the keys, then climbs out of the car, waits for josh to come around. watching him carefully, in case he's that high...

which he isn't yet, probably. but josh's body definitely starts to feel warm and his fingers are starting to grow cold. kavinsky drapes a friendly arm around his neck and walks him toward the blue light.]

What's that mean? [he asks.] 'Ruined?'

[ he's out. they're going to a club. that's the point of this whole evening, to forget. to not go running to david and laurie, to not take things out on them when he knows they care.

they should step in and the whole conversation should die, that's how it should work. but he feels detached enough to keep talking, leaning into kavinsky's guidance. he promised he'd say, right? not hide behind david or out of context comments. ]

By the time they were done with me, all I had left to give was death. I wasn't gold anymore... I wasn't gold for a long time.

[kavinsky spreads his fingers, throws a subtle wave at a bouncer as they pass by him in the hall. there are steps going down, fortunately these lit a little brighter. he brings josh down them, making sure to pace the both of them.]

How long is a long time?

[he doesn't mind listening to it, honestly. it's not burdensome like it would be to people with actual souls. it's -- interesting. kind of exciting. woven in with rhetoric about scary superpowers, which we all know that joseph kavinsky does love.

they step into the lounge room.

it is blue in here, too. a bar lines the wall. there are a fair number of people around, but no other imports; music ripples through the speakers, but there are also some doors through which a louder beat is pounding through. that's gonna be the main club, with all the plebs.

the most striking feature of this joint isn't left or right or through any magic doors, though. it's above.

there's a glass-bottom pool, and a layer of glass aquarium, besides. svelte, attractive male bodies are cutting through the water above, with a dervish of schooling fish and smaller creatures sliding by discreetly below them. the swimmers are clothed, but there's no mistaking the specific aesthetics of gay club culture selection. some twinks kicking through in their briefs, a bear with the water current flowing through his chest hair.

some people prefer gogo dancers. kavinsky draws josh over to a big round couch.] You want something to drink?

Yeah. Strongest they got.

[ it's sure an idea for a club. his eyes lift to the ceiling, taking a heavy seat while. his eyes are on the water, getting lost in it for just a moment.

shit, he should answer. ]

Um... About a year, I think. [ yeah, you know what, he's just going to watch the fish. ] I ran away from the school when it happened, went totally off the grid. It got kinda hard to keep track of the days.

[kavinsky plants the golden boy on the couch. then he removes the smartwatch from his own wrist. just in case the sedating angle this custom e doesn't kick in, he's going to attach this thing to josh's wrist. there seems a low chance josh could go wandering with any real difficulty, but kavinsky knows something about

...stalking people? ...and he's using his powers for good this time, okay.] Sit here, [he says.] I'm gonna be right back.

[by now, the associations are probably getting a little loose. no doubt, josh remembers he was on about scott, about the darkest times in his life. but his body buzzes and his mind nips at funny little tangents. scott. scott's face smears into another, and a swimmer passes overhead, biceps jiggling. it's dreamy and far away. the connective tissue of one negative thought to another seems harder to follow than the fluid geometry of the swimmer's hands cutting through above.]

You okay?

[there's a vodka and orange juice hovering in front of josh. more vodka than anything, judging by the looks of it, barely a cloudy yellow.]

[ this is what he wanted and never got back home. a release from the chaos of his mind, staving off what could have been a truly awful explosion. he's supposed to be better, trying so hard to be better, but what is progress without a little backslide right? right. his eyes are on the bodies above him, the water, the bright gold flashes of little fish. ]

Yeah'm good.

[ just push it aside. let the dark go for a while. don't think -- can't think, taking the glass with a smile. ]

[strange, bad shit tugs at josh's gut, but the pill competes. it argues that the light is beautiful and scott is just a sound. that the story behind him, no matter how awful, is just a small thing compared to

to.

to what? this soft couch. to the cold glass in his fingers, the tasty drink inside, the ice bumping against his lips. the nice people talking to each other around him, leaving him his peace. to the tattooed fingers that suddenly grasp josh's ears.

kavinsky pulls josh's head until josh is turning to face him. he clunks their foreheads together. not hard, definitely not hard enough for josh to experience any type of pain, between his own superpowers and the druggles courseing through his veins. kavinsky's left eye peers deep into josh's right eye. his left eye peers deep into josh's left eye.]

Repeat after me, [kavinsky says.] 'Josh Foley is not ruined.'

[ he wants to argue. joseph didn't know him how he used to be, before he'd felt death. before he'd taken a man's life. before he'd taken a boy's. his powers were meant for healing, that's what laurie had told him, they never should have been used the way he used them.

the way he still immediately jumps to using them.

but kavinsky says that. and it's hard to focus on anything but the shape of the words as he says them, the color of kavinsky's eyes and how certain he sounds. he's not thinking of anything beyond this moment. his takes a steadying breath. ]

Josh Foley is not ruined.

Josh Foley is not ruined.

[kavinsky says it again. the drug does most of the heavy-lifting. the reality is, that the average day in pre-ruination joshua's life didn't actually feel this simple, this easy. serotonin races circles around in josh's skull. bad's just a word, like ruined; it doesn't stick. words words words.]

Josh Foley is not ruined.

[it's not entirely a lie. the way kavinsky knows it, the only way to be ruined is to be dead, and that's one thing that no import, especially not josh foley, can do.]

[ maybe. maybe not. who can say? he can't think beyond this closeness. keenly attuned to the workings of kavinsky's body. the pump of his heart, the push-pull of air in his lungs.
the ebb and flow of blood in his veins. he doesn't repeat it the second time, he just thinks.

then he huffs a little laugh. ]

You're, like, one of my favorite people here, you know that?

[why isn't joshua foley following instructions. maybe that's why he got sent to the death squad? no, kavinsky isn't going to say that. not that it would probably really bother josh, under the circumstances. bad vibes that would fade in a moment.]

You don't know anybody else at this club. No, I know what you saying.

[kavinsky releases josh's uncooperative ears and knocks the cocktail in his hand with his knuckles, urging josh to have another sip. (if josh were a normal person, he'd need a gallon of water.)]

That's a nice thing to say, Foley. You're pretty cool too.

[ that's an easy enough instruction to follow. no bad vibes here, go away misery. kavinsky said this stuff helps with like ptsd and stuff, shit, does he have ptsd? ah, nevermind, he takes another sip.

a thougtful sip. and then very belatedly: ]

And I'm not ruined.

[ but he is different. wasn't that what xorn always told him? different not wrong, not ruined. something new with the possibility to give that gift to other people. scott had said other things too. good things. like, he wasn't alone anymore, he had a team of people who had his back. total strangers, sure, but a team. and they were bringing back everyone.

his eyes drop to his hands. the bright shiny gold of them. the free one skims along the fabric of the couch. ]

... I'm not ruined.

ic contact for maskormenace

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Tw drugs drugs drugs

drugs all the way down

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lmk if my logistics are wrong

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